Saturday, December 27, 2008

Fashion Felonies to Retire in 2009

It's almost a new year. As an act of kindness to others who have to look at you, let's all agree to forever retire these fashion felonies, no matter who tries to convince you they're acceptable:

  • Fanny packs. We need not say another word.
  • Biker Shorts. Unless you're riding in the Tour de France, give 'em up. They really do tell us waaaay too much about you.
  • High heels taller than 3". Who do you think you're fooling? You don't look 5'7", you look 5'3" and very insecure. And gullible.
  • Bra straps showing. Ditto thong underwear showing, and boxers showing. It's called underwear because you're supposed to wear it under your clothes. Please, leave something to our imaginations.
  • Big, billowing baggy pants a la MC Hammer. Exceptions made for working clowns.
  • Blue, Green or Purple Eyeshadow. There's even a book called Blue Eyeshadow Should Be Illegal (and a sequel!), because some of you just aren't getting the message. There's never an occasion, a skin tone, or an outfit that justifies blue eyeshadow.
  • Raisin-colored lipstick. Either have the ovaries to make a statement with Goth Black, or stick to red, pink or coral.
  • Dark Lipliner. Like Rooster Bangs, this was in fashion for 20 seconds, 20 years ago. Please, step away from the lipliner and walk toward the light.
  • Ass-flash pants. Pants worn mid-ass or lower. I know I'm tilting at windmills here. I don't know why this hasn't faded into
  • oblivion already. Cher Horowitz was making fun of these in Clueless, back in 1995, and they were already old. To be fair, they do save us a lot of time: we don't have to have a conversation with you to know you're a moron. Yes, it's like wearing a big neon "I'm... like...really, really stupid" sign. I'm always tempted to yell "Fire!" and see how you run in pants that have the crotch at knee-level. We can't seem to get rid of them, so how about this: I give the world permission to yank down any pair of ass-flash pants, anywhere, any time. We can at least amuse ourselves in the meantime.


Margaret said...

Thanks for the giggle! I couldn't agree more (I have always worn and wear ONLY comfortable clothes and shoes; I wore heels only the day I got married, and, after my solemn wedding vows, I also muttered the solemn "shoe vows": "never wear heels again!" ;-)).

I have a few items to add to your list.

1. One HUMUNGOUS one is FUR. My proposed slogan for 2009: NO MORE FUR. I won't go into the obvious reasons...we all know them by now(animal torture blablabla). In fact, one of the reasons I LOATHED the "Sex and the City" movie was the fur coat scene, remember? Samantha's attitude and snappy comment made the animal rights people look like crazy loony toonies. I was infuriated...still am.

2. I don't know if this happens in the U.S., too, but here in Italy women tend to wear clothes and winter jackets that are at least one or two sizes, if not more!, too small for them. Most unflattering. This really dumb fashion felony makes most women (99%) look like the Michelin Man. And let's get rid of low-cut pants...both unflattering and uncomfortable.

3. Ban thongs and bras with underwires. Horrible!

I say, let's wear clothes that fit us and make us look good...but above all, comfortable clothes! Indeed, "comfort" should be the fashion key word for 2009.

Ok, I'm done. :-)

Margaret said...

Re-reading my comment just now, I realize it sounds as though I USED TO wear fur. Aaaargh! Horror! The mere thought makes me nauseous. So please let me clarify that I have never ever worn fur in any shape or form...and never will...yikes...

Ok, now I'm really done! ;-)
Florence, Italy

La Cootina said...

Fur is tricky; I see a grey area. I wore an inherited mink jacket for many years, and thought of Grandma Sophie whenever I did. And could you make any of the same arguments for leather belts, shoes, and purses? That said, I agree with you, and I would never buy a new fur coat. But I'd also never throw (or condone throwing) ink/blood/paint on someone else's fur coat. I'd rather just continue to make it shameful, ignorant and politically incorrect. There ARE a lot of loony toon crazy animal rights "activists" out there, making the rest of us look bad.

I will give you a hearty AMEN on #2. Just as we are growing horizontally, stretchy fabric suddenly makes a comeback. Great. Like "muffin top" (love handles that pooch over the top of jeans) and bike shorts, it tells us more than we want to know.

Re #3...I think it's a personal choice, as long as we don't have to look at them, as mentioned in my UNDERwear rant. I've never even tried on a thong; I'm from the generation that tries to keep panties out of there. And I don't quite get the Horror of Panty Lines. Um...yes, I wear underpants.

But keep yer mitts off my underwires. Sometimes I'll sacrifice a wee bit of comfort to have the girls fake a wee bit of enthusiasm.