Anti-Social Networking

It seems that every couple of days, someone asks me if I tweet. For my irregular readers: no. No tweets or peeps or chirps or twerps. No Facebook (audible gasp!), no MySpace, no LinkedIn, nada. In fact, I'm so sick or the whole badly-named Social Networking, I've decided to start a desperately needed service for those of you who just can't unplug. It's called...

Anti-Social Networking!

You spend your days massaging your overworked thumbs, texting and tweeting and twiddling. And when you're not furiously faux-typing, you're trying to read everyone else's vital, important, life-changing messages, messages like "Sup?" What if you had missed that message??? You're trying to keep up with people who've never heard of you -- but would surely want to be your BFF if you ever did meet. All that is very taxing and tiring, and Anti-Social Networking (ASN) is here to provide relief!

When you sign up with ASN, we will automatically respond to every message you receive. You don't even have to decide what message to send -- we take care of that for you! Some sample messages:

• When was the last time you went outside?
• Do us all a favor: Unplug for 24 hours.
• Hang up. You can do it!
  
• Was that really worth 30 seconds of my life?
• I don't care. No one cares.

You can see where we're going, can't you? Yes, the messages will slow down to a trickle, and eventually they will stop. And that's okay, that's actually a good thing. (If you're not sure, we can connect you with a three-dimensional support group.) Eventually, people will begin actually talking to one another. Imagine going in to a coffee shop and seeing people converse with each other! It's going to take some adjustment, but I think it's in the best interest of the species to foster and encourage personal contact.

Now I'm going to go for a walk, visit a neighbor, and pick the last of the zinnias. And when I have a moment, I might just start a search for the 12-year old who can write the Anti-Social Networking program for me.