Welcome to Blubberland. Thursday I had a quiet little weepfest at the infusatorium. I cried because it took so long to get the drugs. (They don't mix the cocktail until you are checked in, blood work taken and results returned from the lab.) I cried because I was in a private room instead of "out there" in the barcalounger room, and it was creepy because everybody who walked by had to peer into the room and get a big eyeful. I cried because it took two sticks to get the vein. I knew this would happen eventually, I just thought I'd have a few more months first. I cried because the endocrinologist across the hall wouldn't just hand me some insulin samples; he wants to see me, and go over the chemo/dex plan and discuss the blood sugar issue. (Perfectly valid, of course.) I cried because I tried to bribe his nurse with my daffodil pin, which she happily took...but still wouldn't give me the insulin sample. I cried because the tv wasn't working, and I'd accidentally picked up a magazine I'd already read, and I'd forgotten my library book. Mostly, though, I just cried BECAUSE I WAS A BIG STUPID CRYBABY!
To round out the morning, I cried after I left Trader Joe's because even though they rang the bell three times, no one opened another register and I just left my three items there and went to Krogers instead. Then I cried after I left Krogers because what I really wanted was at Trader Joe's. I cried because I already have Big Fat Moonie Steroid Face. I cried because my sweet friend Chris called to invite me to an impromptu First Day of Spring celebration, and also to see if I needed anything from the store.
And then I realized... this was my fourth Dex dose (steroids) in 11 days, and I had clearly reached my limit. My Dex is twice what it was last year: 8mg twice a week instead of once a week. Luckily, my chemo vacation started the next day. I guess these docs know their stuff: they bring you right to the very brink of your tolerance and just when you know you can't take another second...you get your vacation. And now I get to see if I can go the whole ten days without crying. Starting....right...now!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Big C Update
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5 comments:
You're entitled and have earned the right to have a "cryfest".
Fluctuating blood sugar levels
and the hormonal things that have
recently happened to you can't help that whole "emotional equilibrium" thing. That Dex is so hard on folks and it seems women have an even worse time of it. Hoping things level out for ya real soon.
If I'd been in Trader Joe's and saw a woman weeping at the register, I would have put my arm around her, asked how I could help and then made a scene to get someone to check her out... and where did I learn that? From you, Cootina.... you DO make an impact, you DO cause change.
Sorry you had such a tough day, but know there are strangers out here who are cheering you on - if only just to be more YOU!
Awww...thanks, guys. I felt a little silly when I realized it was just the Dex, and not actually the End of the World.
I'm sure it will level out; that's exactly what the "chemo vacations" are for. You go right to the very brink of what the body can endure, then you get a little break, and then you go right back to the edge again.
I read your blog everyday and I am always entertained. It is posts like these that bring the reality of our disease to the forefront. You cry girl and you cry as much as you want. Somedays that's all we can do. The next day we pick ourselves up and start all over again. Your honesty helps us all realize we're just human. Hang in there.
You're making me cry about your crying. How about I take over the next few days for you?
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