Notclocks & Time Banks

I've thought a lot about time since my diagnosis; probably a typical reaction. I'm mostly a left-brain, linear thinker so it's difficult for me to grasp any abstract concept of time. Kelly, one of my fairy blogmothers, was helping me develop something I called a notclock. I thought if I could figure out what it wasn't, process of elimination would reveal what it was. Turns out that was not a very effective technique; the project hit a dead end.

Although my time here is finite, I don't know exactly how much time I have. Well, I guess I have that in common with everyone, don't I? Not just cancer patients! But we of the cancerhood at least have a clarity of perspective and priorities. In my support group, there are several 5-year survivors, and one 17-year survivor, but in the last year, the group has lost several members. There's just no way to know. Your numbers could climb, and another round of chemo could put you in remission for five years. Or not. I have no idea what's in store for me. Even if/when I achieve that magical "CR," there are no guidelines to predict how MM will behave in the future. Every single patient is different.

When I saw fellow MM patient "L" last week at the infusatorium, I could tell that she was in a rough patch. I hate, hate, hate that this beautiful young mother of three has to deal with this. If there were any way at all to do it, I would happily put half my days left in a Time Bank for L. I would gladly donate 100 days to Alice's son (below). Not that I don't love my family and friends, and appreciate every day I'm blessed with, I just think it's a completely different situation when you have a spouse and children. The pain, fear, anxiety, anger are all compounded exponentially.

Having suffered a hyperactive social conscience all my life, I would be thrilled if I could do something, anything, to "level the playing field." I can't, of course, so I'll just soldier on and try to be positive, productive, helpful and not too cranky. But I'm going to continue making imaginary deposits in that imaginary Time Bank, and imagine that people who really need it can somehow make withdrawals.