Happy Feet

I've had a three-tiered sneaker hierarchy for years. The new, clean ones are my dress sneakers. One rung down is the everyday sneakers. And at the bottom, the dirty, nasty, holey pair used for lawn-mowing and little else. When I buy a new pair, everyone moves down one rung, and the old mowing sneakers finally join the landfill.

That was before I became destitute. The old shoes finally fell apart and my former dress sneakers were now performing triple-duty. And they look atrocious. But it just kills me to pay $40, $50, even $60 for sneakers so I kept putting it off. A Famous Footwear shoestore opened nearby, and offered 20% off coupons, so I figured it was time to shoe-shop. When I got to the store, I learned they were having a second-pair-half-price-deal and I could use my coupon for both pairs. It was a coupon trifecta!

I started trying on sneakers; wow, I've almost forgotten what a new pair of sneakers feels like. Nike, Adidas, New Balance: my feet were elated and kept trying to dance. Then, just for the heck of it, I put on a $70 pair of Saucony shoes... and I swear, my feet started moaning and writhing. It was like that scene in When Harry Met Sally! They were having shoegasms, right there in the store.

I interrupted, telling my feet that we would find a perfectly acceptable pair of $40 shoes, but they just kept going back to the Saucony. I'd picked out two other pair and was ready to take them to the check out, when my feet hurled themselves to the floor and threw a screaming tantrum. "You never let us have any fun!" shouted Lefty. "We don't even wear low heels anymore, just these old clodhoppers." sulked Righty. Then they started with the pleases. "Please, please, pleeeease!" I held firm, because you know what happens when you reward bad behavior? That's right: more bad behavior.

At least, that was my intention: my feet were turning themselves blue and refusing to leave the store. So... I caved. I bought the Saucony, which turned out to be on sale for $55. My second pair, the Avia, were half off of $40. With my 20% off coupon, the total was about $60 for both pairs, allowing me to believe that I really only paid $30 for the Saucony. Of course, my feet are ecstatic, and full of promises for future good behavior. "We'll never ask for another pair of shoes. Not even if they have toe cleavage!" Yeah, right.

Well, they're usually very good feet, and it has been a long time since they've had really comfortable shoes, so the Saucony shoes are a rare indulgence. But it may be awhile before I can wear them in public.