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by Dorothy Parker

I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most
Three and I'm under the table
Four and I'm under the host.

Variation:
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host!"

I've heard the last line quoted as "One more drink and I'll be under the host." I never knew it came from a poem. Dorothy Parker is one of my favorite cranky girls. She was a writer and critic for magazines such as Vanity Fair, Vogue, the New Yorker and others. She also wrote poetry, short stories and screenplays. One of the original members of the Algonquin Round Table, she was known for her rapier wit and satire. Other favorite quotes:

• You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
• If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.
• Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
• It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard
• It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends.
• You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
• Four be the things I'd have been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
• She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. (I think this was a review of a performance by Katherine Hepburn.)