Friday, March 13, 2009

Things I Found #2: Rules for Hoosiers

At the bottom of a stack 'o crap, here is a folder with essays I wrote for one of those infamous adult ed writing classes. Our first assignment was to write about ourselves. I completely ignored the teacher's instructions – something I would continue to do throughout the class – and submitted this instead. Luckily, he liked it anyways.

Rules for Hoosiers Appearing on
National Television

There are, apparently, a rigidly enforced set of rules for Hoosiers Appearing on National Television. Whether your house is under nine feet of water, or you just grew the world's largest rutabaga, or whether your brother killed your sister because her ex-husband is now his stepmother, these rules must be followed. If they exist elsewhere in written form, I haven't been able to find them, so after much research and observation, I offer them here:

  1. Hair (Male) Totally or almost totally bald needs no further enhancement. However, hair must be styled either in the classic Mullet, or simply parted in the middle and plastered to the head with any grooming agent. Facial hair is acceptable only as a five-day five o'clock shadow, a Fu Manchu, or sideburns a la Elvis, The Later Years. (Female) There are also three acceptable hair styles for women. One is the classic Barbie Bubble (also known as Helmet Head), heavily lacquered if possible. Again, longer hair may be parted in the middle and plastered to the head. The third option is any version of Surprise Bangs, Rooster Bangs, or Extra Crispy Bangs.
  2. Clothing (Male) By far the preferred apparel is no shirt, regardless of the physique or the weather, and stained, dirty sweat pants, worn well below the naval. If a shirt must be worn, it must be a t-shirt, preferably stained, dirty, and/or with an obscene message printed on it. The shirt must not meet the waistband of the sweat pants. (Female) Virtually any clothing not made of natural fibers is acceptable. The stretchier, the better. Stretch pants with tube tops or tank tops are ideal. Synthetic fibers that look like natural fibers are not acceptable.
  3. Facial Expressions – Remember the three "S's" - the scowl, the sulk, and the sneer. You must never, ever smile on camera – unless you are missing one or more front teeth.
  4. Speaking on Camera (Grammar) The most important thing to remember when speaking on camera to a national audience is ... There Is No Such Thing As Too Many Negatives. For example: "She din't never get no jobs nowheres round there." "We ain't not got no rain like this, never." (Conjugation) Don't bother! Just add the letters "ed" or even just a "d" to any present tense verb. For example, "I knowed she go'ed inside, cause I seed her."
I am a native Hoosier, I've lived here most of my life, yet I don't actually know these people or anyone like them. I have to assume this is a clever plot by some marketing geniuses to make Indiana appear terribly unappealing. Perhaps we are at great risk of getting inundated with tax-weary Californians, or breeze-seeking Arizonians, or caffeine refugees from Oregon.

I didn't never knowed we was so smart!


John said...

I hopes yer teach gived youse a A.

La Cootina said...

Ha! He's a local columnist. He wrote on the top of that paper, "Wish I'd thought of this!"

Sandy said...

Datchur keed? Got somat kinda smile - good teef!

Anonymous said...

The same rules must be in effect to the east of you, where I grew up. Rules for Buckeyes include the addition of a dangling cigarette.