Sunday, September 28, 2008

Nearing Zero

Imagine the worst day of your life so far. Now imagine it's 100 times worse than that. now imagine that you-- who more than anything in the universe, hate to throw up. Hate, hate hate hate it. Then you throw up. And the day's just beginning.

The antinausea medicine is called Ativan. You ask for it at the first sign of nausea, hoping to head it off at the pass. But my little window just gets smaller and smaller, and so this morning it was "Ativan!" "BARF!" Just that quick. it was also my first hurl in 3 days so that was kind of discouraging; thought i was past that.

But i (barely) managed to regroup and curl into a quiet little ball. slow, steady breathing, manage to change into clean pjs. And then Nurse P does "something".... or "something" happens while Nurse P is canoodling with portimer. And there is a GASP and there is a small CABLOOEY and suddenly I am covered with goopy saline and doctors and nurses are once again to-ing and fro-ing with that barely-controlled anxiety and no one will explain.

In the meantime, Bro #1 came for a visit. Ah, the voice of sanity. except i'm not absolutely sure he understands what happened. All we know for sure is that I'm going back in for more surgery tomorrow. Sis & Supergirl 3 also stop by; my conversation is distracted as i imagine small plastic arrows racing toward my heart, lungs, jugular. Of course no one will admit that anything has gone wrong, that anyone did anything wrong, but i wouldn't be going back into surgery otherwise would i? I just want someone to tell me the truth about this.

They have just enough ativan in me that i can't put up much of a fight. (hmmm...think that might be a coincidence?) But I'm very angry. i'm disappointed that Dr. A. has never called or stopped by. Is that unrealistic? This is the second major complication... and nothing. So i'm angry. angryangryangry. Fuzzybrained. Barfy. Angry. i hope this is the worst day of my life.


Michelle said...

Oh Aunt Cranky, I'm angry for you. I am speechless, and praying that the "something" is corrected without any more issues! ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Ugh! I assumed your silence was that you were just sleeping away in la la land on the Ativan. I'm right up there with ya in the throwing up department. I just got use to it when I was pregnant. I assume your surgery is to fix your port? I hope they finally get that problem fixed. Hopefully the worst is over and you will be bouncing off the walls again very soon.

Kevin said...

Your blog is great, sorry you're going through this.
The great thing about the Ativan (for me) was that although it was only moderately effective on nausea, I barely remember my transplant, largely due to the Ativan, and what I remember is basically pretty pleasant (despite all evidence to the contrary.....). My girlfriend said of the Ativan "It doesn't stop you from puking, but you can't puke if it puts you to sleep, and when you're awake on Ativan and puking, you don't care so much." Hang in there...the zeros were about the point were I thought I couldn't take it anymore, but it's uphill from here! Oh...and don't go off the Ativan all at once when things get better...

La Cootina said...

Thanks for the suggestions, Kevin. Luckily, ativan has been effective so far; the nap is just a bonus! :)